She is in my trunk
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
