Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
