i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
