i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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