hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Randomize
