We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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