You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
