i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
