franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You ruined the universe
I woke up under a house in Key West
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