meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
