Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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