its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
