She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm passing your future prison.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
