Is it normal to miss your booty call?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
