I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Never joke about your clitoris.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
