also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
