Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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