Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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