is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Randomize
