there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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