Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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