grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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