Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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