My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
