He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
