Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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