last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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