I can tuck mytits in my pants
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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