At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
