Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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