just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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