My cat gives me a boner
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
