i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
did i just pee glitter
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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