Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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