I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I need a burrito and a hug.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
