Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
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