too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
