I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
