dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
