conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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