I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
