Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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