I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
