My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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