Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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