Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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