Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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