Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
