If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
