peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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