Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
