So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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