turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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